What to do when a client falls asleep
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Showing posts with label crime. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crime. Show all posts
Making a Madam
Whether or not the
defendants in Making a Murderer are innocent or guilty it demonstrates the
weight of responsibility on individual police officers, lawyers and judges to
play their part in making the criminal justice system appear fair. Is it worth
it?
There are savings
to be had in shooting persistent
offenders. The strain on the criminal
justice system could be further reduced by decriminalising
drugs and lifting restrictions on alcohol consumption. The existing laws are
perfectly adequate to prosecute drunken and/or drug fuelled antisocial behaviour
however penalties could be increased in a
way that offenders are never seen again. This
should keep the student population under control.
Citizens should be encouraged to have a go and
stop complaining to the police. With unrestricted access to fatal doses and a morgue, Hospital Emergency Departments would be less
busy on Saturday nights if they had permission to dispose of trouble makers themselves rather
than calling for police assistance.
With the dreary
habitual offenders gone, courts could focus on the entertaining and interesting
cases which are most likely to attract sponsorship and TV royalties.
If Judges were given absolute authority and relieved of
the obligation to appear fair, we could expect every trial to end in the
execution of someone or other. Rather than being glared at lawyers could be
flogged for getting a section number wrong. Submissions would improve. If glancing
at a mobile phone could result in the loss of a hand,
people are more likely to remember to turn then off.
Soon police officers
would return to helping old ladies across the road, lawyers to commercial law and fair judges to a well-earned retirement.
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Does the profession have a drug problem?
Lawyers Weekly reports "There have always been whispers within the legal profession of social cocaine use among top-end lawyers. How deep does the problem go?".
Coke, dope, ice: Does the profession have a drug problem?
Sex in the Dock - The Lady Chatterley’s Lover Trial
In
1960 at the Old Bailey, Penguin faced prosecution under the Obscene
Publications Act for its publication of Lady Chatterley’s Lover by D.H. Lawrence who had died in 1930.
In
the book, Lady Chatterley has an affair with her husband’s gamekeeper as her
husband is unable to have sexual intercourse due to a WW1 injury.
Did
the book tend to deprave and corrupt? If so, was its publication 'for the public good' on the grounds of its
literary merits?
Apart
from the “f” word being used 30 times, the Prosecutor listed sexual intercourse
taking place “thirteen times” including in “her husband’s house,…a hut,…the
undergrowth,…when stark naked and dripping with raindrops…" He concluded, “And
finally…we have it all over again in the attic in a Bloomsbury boarding-house.”
The
Prosecutor asked, “Would you approve of your… young daughters – because girls
can read as well as boys – reading this book?... Is it a book that you would even wish
your wife or servants to read?”
The Defence said that society cannot fix its standards by what is suitable for a
14-year-old.
Over
a six-day trial there were a number of witnesses, including:
1. Author
Rebecca West who gave evidence that the book had literary merit, but was badly
written by a man who had no sense of humour and no background of education in
his home.
2.
The Bishop of Woolwich who agreed that Christians ought to read it. This led to the
headline in the evening papers, “A Book all Christians should read”.
The
Defence contended that Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra may as well have been
a “story of a sex-starved man copulating with an Egyptian Queen.”
The
Judge summed up suggesting that the jury think of “factory girls reading in
their lunchtime.”
After
a six-day trial, the Jury found Penguin not guilty.
(c) Paul Brennan 2015. All rights reserved.
(c) Paul Brennan 2015. All rights reserved.
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An Inspiring story for Prosecutors
With crime rates falling, we Prosecutors
have had to turn to our back catalogue of offences by ageing celebrities but with
memories lapsing and witnesses dying the evidence in such cases can be questionable.
Should we just wait and hope
that crime picks up, or should we press on and take what we can get?
P.
Dear P.
There is no patron saint of
hopeless cases, but there are many examples of Prosecutors pulling some very
unlikely convictions out of the hat.
For instance, during the
Napoleonic wars a ship’s pet monkey was shipwrecked on a beach in the North of
England. The locals captured the monkey mistakenly believing it to be a French
spy as it was dressed in military uniform.
The monkey was interrogated,
tried, found guilty and hung.
In that case, the burden
would have been on the Prosecutor to prove beyond reasonable doubt that the
monkey had an intention to spy-no easy task.
Let us not forget the defence
lawyer’s task of taking clear instructions long before the advent of dedicated
Animal Rights Lawyers.
All this, on a windy beach, with
the constant chatter of the defendant in the background.
It is work like this which is
an inspiration to Prosecutors everywhere.
Ed note: Years ago, I was asked to represent a defendant before a Magistrates Court. I calculated his legal aid contribution, and when I told him that he would need to contribute $2.00 for my services, he decided to represent himself. He gets out next week.
Extract from - I'll have the law on you - The selected letter of John Fytit
(c) Paul Brennan 2014. All rights reserved.
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Subway allegedly Held to Ransom
For advice about legal issues concerning sandwiches or generally, contact Paul Brennan at Brennans solicitors.
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Criminal Shortage Prompts Prison Reform
A. There has
never been a shortage of people to persecute and incarcerate. I am sure we will
think of something. For instance, many in the legal profession have always felt
that children, especially teenagers, would gain from a custodial sentence. I am
not suggesting long sentences (except in certain cases). Sentences would mostly
take place in the school holidays so as not to interfere with school work.
There would be no criminal record as the Child Custody (“CC”) System would not
deal with crimes but everyday family irritations such as talking back and
eating with elbows on the table. Not every infraction would result in
imprisonment. For instance, what teenage son would refuse to put out the
garbage if he had a suspended sentence hanging over his head? Only the consent
of the parents would be required, and I expect that, in most cases, this would
be enthusiastically given, especially for Holiday CC.
Once the
principle had been established it could be extended to other troublesome family
members such as mothers-in-law. Forcibly sending your mother-in-law to
prison may be a breach of her human rights. However, human rights’ lawyers have
never defended mothers-in-law in the past, and I suspect that they will not
start now.
Once the
criminals were cleared out of the prison system, wives could be attracted by a Hi-Security diet that really worked. Fathers may seek some solitude especially
leading up to Christmas, birthdays or weddings. No more household chores,
fielding requests for money, or going shopping for even short periods may be a
welcome respite.
Include a
“Throw Away the Key” option for spouses and we will need more prisons not less.
Extract from - I'll have the law on you -unmitigated advice on law and lawyers by John Fytit AO to be published later this year.
Falling crime rates
Q. Are falling crimes rates
just another sign of the unreliability of this generation?
A. A growing number of prosecutors
blame computer games such as Grand Theft Auto and Call of Duty, which have
enticed the young to play out their violent, rapacious fantasies in the comfort
of their own bedrooms rather than misbehave on the streets. One Attorney
General told me “We were against violent computer games when they were first
introduced, and we are against them now, we are just less sure how to explain
why”.
Psychologists argue that it
is the increase in One Parent Families which so often lack the presence of a
violent father as a role model, also, that working mothers are just too tired
and no longer at home to terrorise their teenage children and drive them out
onto the streets.
While authoritarian
governments see the absence of youth on the streets as a good thing other
governments have coped with the decline by pretending that crime rates are going
up in keeping with the public’s perception.
Parents who in the past have
relied upon their teenage children to bring home the bacon and anything else that
they could lay their hands on are facing financial hardship. The issue is
compounded by their own parents who are retiring earlier and earlier; demanding
attention and financial support. The solution is for retired parents to undertake
shoplifting and mugging duties. Governments could set a generous limit to the
amount that retired parents could steal before their Age Pensions are reduced.
Falling crime rates could be
reversed by the adjustment of existing laws. For instance, change “threatening behaviour”
to “looking at me in a funny way” and leave the rest up to police discretion. Who
would not applaud the application of the terrorism laws to telemarketers?
By combining these simple
changes with an increase in police numbers and a return to trumped up charges, the
courts will be as busy as ever and no longer reliant on jobless youth.
Extract from - My card "without prejudice" -advice on law and lawyers by John Fytit AO, lawyer to be published later this year.
Taxi Drivers and Tasers
A policeman in England tasered a blind man, mistaking his white cane for a Samurai sword. The police do not always get it right.
Recently, a taxi driver drove off with my bag. The cab company sent texts to the driver who did not reply. As the days passed, I advised myself that even if it wasn't returned, it contained little of value and to pursue it was a waste of my time and energy. However, despite my advice I decided to pursue this matter as one of principle. Lawyers ignore irritatingly, sensible legal advice too.
Now, if you have seen the film Saving Private Ryan you will know how important it became for me to get that bag back home and the lengths to which I was prepared to go.
The industry’s Taxi Complaint Line promised an investigation would begin within 14 days. In these days of privacy no one could divulge to me the driver’s name, cab rank or even his number. In fact, taxi drivers use numbers rather than names to protect them from harassment/violence by their passengers. I had not realized how important this was to them.
The Police Complaint Line were determined to keep the crime rate down by recording this as an incident rather than a crime. They suggested that the driver may have forgotten the destination address, or he left the bag in the cab where it was stolen by person or persons unknown. I found myself thinking that he may have failed to read the label with my name and telephone number (possibly due to illiteracy).
On day five, two police officers confronted the driver at his home and seized the bag. The driver was as surprised as I was.
Could the police have done this any better? What, with a taser you mean?
# 99. They make some questionable submissions
The Diarrhoea Defence
If we lawyers do seem occasionally wistful it may be because our moment of fame has eluded us.
In my case, a client had been charged with failing to supply a sample of breath. His car had been stopped by the police, he had tried to run away and during a struggle with a police officer had had an attack of diarrhoea.
Suspected drunken drivers often fail to provide sufficient breath and are routinely convicted unless they have a reasonable excuse. An attack of diarrhoea seemed a good reason for not doing any strenuous blowing, or at least it was in my book. We entered a plea of not guilty.
The cross examination of the police officer began tastefully enough, given the circumstances. But soon descended into unnecessary detail. The failure to control bowel movements seemed further evidence of my client’s bad character and the officer did not want to leave anything to the imagination.
The magistrate remained throughout the evidence with a pained, constipated expression. She seemed unable to step over the diarrhoea part of my submission onto the firmer ground of the legal principles behind the defence. She convicted my client with what seemed to me indecent haste.
My footnote in legal history was snatched from under my nose.
(c) Paul Brennan is a business and property lawyer 'deals and disputes" on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland. Both "Deals and disputes".
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# 92. They are lousy driving instructors
Fathers, teenage driving lessons and the law
Have you ever wondered why parents usually give their children driving lessons at night?
I took my son for his first driving lesson in a deserted housing development. I think I must have said “turn left” as he turned hard right, bumped over the central reservation in the road, then up onto the pavement, carried on driving up the grassy knoll, still gaining speed, over a smallish tree, stopping only when he collided head on with a portable toilet which fell over.
Who is legally responsible? The teenage child, being behind the wheel, probably has to take some responsibility; however unfair this may seem. Also, the parent as supervising driver has a duty to act prudently. For instance, he should pay for a driving instructor and stop being so tight. Also, he should stop watching folksy Disney movies, which encourage him to interact with his teenage children by purporting that it may be fun and a bonding experience rather than extremely stressful, or as in this case, terrifying.
Any parent who finds themselves unwittingly involved in a criminal enterprise with their child, be it, dangerous driving, criminal damage or shoplifting, will be torn between showing the right example and doing a runner. In this case, I righted the portable toilet cabin, adjusted the bowl which had escaped its mountings and accepted that being covered in it, was a natural part of parenting, only the quantity and source changes.
Within days, my son had learnt enough about driving, to correct a few of the bad driving habits that I had spent a lifetime acquiring and with this constant supervision, I must say that my driving has definitely improved. To his credit, he listens to me more, especially when I am crying, screaming and covering my eyes.
(c) Paul Brennan 2011. All rights reserved.
Paul Brennan is a business and property lawyer on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland. Both "Deals and disputes".
# 90.They can be deadly
Death of a solicitor
Many people ask me what is the difference between a barrister and a solicitor. Well, they are both lawyers but the main difference, in my view is that only one practicing solicitor has ever been executed.
Rather than turning on his own clients as some would expect, he attempted to poison another solicitor in a conveyancing matter which had turned sour. His first attempt was to invite the solicitor to tea; scones laced with arsenic. The other solicitor became ill, but survived. He then sent chocolates which caused a family member of the other solicitor to be sick, but she survived too. Numerous further invitations to tea followed which the other solicitor understandably avoided.
The solicitor’s undoing was that he was buying increasing quantities of arsenic from the local chemist who was the father in law of the other solicitor. The matter was reported to the police who during their enquiries dug up the solicitor’s deceased wife and found an unusually high concentration of arsenic in the body. He was charged with murder. He claimed he was devoted to his wife but police investigations revealed that although she was described in the local press as popular very few people attended her funeral. They concluded that she was domineering and often acted in a crazed manner but this was no lawful excuse for murder (husbands please note).
The solicitor continued to maintain that the arsenic was for his dandelions until his execution in 1922. Since then the Dandelion Defence has lost popularity especially among devoted husbands.
# 88. They engage in games
The Perfect crime
Anyone who has seenThe Wire will know the day to day difficulties of dealing in drugs. Once, I was instructed by a client who was arrested for selling heroin just four days after he arrived in the country. There was cast iron evidence of him selling drugs to two undercover policemen. The police had achieved a result which could usually take a whole season or at least 2 episodes of The Wire.
This was part of a police operation in a drug hotspot. The police had set up cameras in strategic places to record the drug sales.
My client told me that he had been brought from Nigeria to sell heroin. If true, the local criminals had “outsourced” the solution to the police crackdown by importing my client and others like him to carry the can; thus allowing the local criminals to get on with their other felonious little plans.
The police rather than feeling suckered seemed delighted by the guilty pleas and prison sentences resulting from the strong evidence.
Police and other regulators, if left to their own devices, tend to choose the “low hanging fruit” to quickly produce statistics and avoid anything too hard e.g. shoplifting rather than fraud, speed cameras rather than anti-social behaviour. Often it depends on the strength of evidence or if the suspect admits to the offence.
So, when you are being investigated e.g. turning right at a no right turn, admitting your guilt is more likely to result in a prosecution rather than you being let off. This may not apply if you are an attractive, possibly tearful, young thing but if you too inhabit the world of the bald-headed, overweight and middle aged as we lawyers do, then certainly it is best to follow the advice of Ronan Keating and say nothing at all.
(c) Paul Brennan is a business and property lawyer on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland. Both "Deals and disputes".
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# 78 They can be difficult neighbours
Fight the Good Fight
In writing the Ten Biggest Legal Mistakes I put fighting with a neighbour near the top of the list. It can lead to you moving house, I advised.
However, against my own advice, I once punched my own neighbour in the mouth.
I had just moved to the Sunshine Coast. My son was playing outside in a noisy way and my neighbour swore at him. My son told his Mum and she went outside to reason with my neighbour.
By the time that I had got outside my wife and neighbour were arguing. I had never spoken to my neighbour but he was as usual holding a beer can in his muscly hand and wearing a white vest with little tuffs of hair growing on top of his shoulders.
I tried to steer my wife indoors, but as we moved back, the argument continued and he pressed forward in a sort of menacing drunken manner. Eventually, he raised his fist and motioned to me that he was going to hit her. He seemed to expect me to support him. He kept moving forward towards us and I hit him. He shouted that he would “sue” and then changed it to “kill” me which I felt was more appropriate in the circumstances.
The next morning, the police arrived. However, they decided that I was entitled to defend my wife in these circumstances.
Therefore, I have revised my advice to - if you cannot resist attacking your neighbours, rent.
For those of you who long to prevail in hand to hand combat, against overwheming odds, in defence of your loved ones, my wife’s verdict was “You didn’t hit him hard enough”.
# 65. They can be a little too sensitive
The murderer and the bail application
To be a regular client of a criminal firm you not only need to persistently commit crimes (allegedly or otherwise) but also be caught, often. As criminals reach their mid 20s many find it difficult to maintain this level of commitment.
In the London criminal firm where I worked as a newly qualified lawyer there was such a client. Although, in his mid 30s, when he was not allegedly stealing in a violent sort of way he was being arrested for driving offences and assaults. Eventually, he committed a murder and changed law firms.
My boss who was prone to hysterics, took this badly and marched down the police station with the words “he is not going to get away with this”. He angrily confronted the alleged murderer in his police cell and insisted that he change back to our firm, which he did.
Next morning, the client was understandably disappointed when my boss sent me to court to represent him.
The client wanted me to make a bail application and I recall saying “We may not get it” in the hope that he might decide that he would leave it. He didn’t.
In the circumstances the bail application, apart from the fact that it was refused, went quite well. He was later convicted.
My boss continued to be let down. The local Italian cafe owner had a 16 year old daughter who was kept on a very short lead. The father sent her for two weeks of work experience at our firm. On her first day she agreed to a date with a client charged with administering date rape drugs. This was quickly cancelled by my boss. On Day Two she wore less clothing and more make up. From that point, we all lived in a state of fear of Mafia type reprisals until she was returned safe and sound to the unsuspecting father at the end of the work experience.
Two years later my boss died of a brain tumour. His increasingly paranoid behaviour did not seem to put off our clients, in fact, they really liked it.
# 60. They can do a runner
Let sleeping clients lie
You would expect every lawyer to have a story about a client falling asleep on him or her. In fact, it is fairly rare and has happened to me, only once.
I was a defence lawyer appearing at Horseferry Road Magistrates Court near Victoria Station, London.
My client in his 50s was well turned out in shirt, tie, blazer and grey flannel trousers. He was on a suspended sentence. I told him that he was going to prison where he had been many times before, always for theft. Like so many clients, drink had been his downfall.
By 11am he seemed jolly. By noon he had a manic grin. I started to beg the list officer to get us on. Just before lunch he had become morose and disshellved which could hopefully be mistaken for remorse rather than extreme drunkeness. We were called on.
During my plea in mitigation the Magistrate drew my attention to the snoring coming from the dock which had grown to an unacceptable level which even the legal process could not ignore.
I looked into the dock and there was my client on the floor, fast asleep.
The Magistrate unexpectedly sentenced my sleeping client to probation and went to lunch. The courtroom cleared. We were alone.
With great difficulty, I woke my client up and tried to explain what had happened or at least my understandably inflated version of it.
But, by then he was unbearably drunk and seemed not to understand his good fortune and my role in it. He wanted money. He advanced on me with his hand out.
I did what many other lawyers have done over the centuries ...... a runner. Easily outpacing him on the stairs, past security, out onto the street, never to see him again.
“Things won are done, joy's soul lies in the doing”.# 56. They hate cats
John Fytit’s International Problem Page
- Your Legal problems shared
Dear John
Despite having a cat door, every night, my cat wakes me up wanting to be let in and out or vice versa. My sleep is being severely disturbed. Is it illegal to kill a cat?
H.M. Dublin, Eire
Dear H.M
Cats do not have nine lives. This old adage is a reference to failed assassination attempts by their owners, so you are not alone. My own cat has a permanent scowl.
Your cat is your property and you can kill it, provided it is not done in a cruel manner. For instance, drowning in a bucket although quick, may be prohibited as an extreme form of water boarding. Even a pillow placed gently over the face after it has dozed for 20 hours straight in its favourite chair may be considered cruel in the cold light of the court room.
Therefore, it is best left to your Vet. But, most Vets, not all, are animal lovers and treat requests for execution of a healthy albeit malevolent animal as motivated by cruel intent and therefore illegal.
This is why many regimes, when dealing with subversives, use “trumped up” charges. As the Vet’s determination is behind closed doors with no witnesses, no investigation and no appeal, accusations of attacks on pregnant mothers, babies, widows or, as a last resort, puppies should work fairly well. As many cats have a night life that Hannibal Lechter would be proud of, the Vet should be easily convinced that he is dealing with an enemy of the state and any delay on his part may result in a law suit against him by one of the victims.
But, your cat’s untimely death may not improve your sleep. Guilt may weigh upon you as it did with Lady Macbeth. Alternatively, your small triumph may result in you turning on other members of your family who are even more irritating.
If you have reached an age where you find that your only nemesis is your cat it probably means that you should get out more. At least, that is my plan.
J.F.
(c)Paul Brennan 2009.
John Fytit is the name of the central cartoon charter in Law & Disorder cartoons which started in Hong Kong in 1992. He is from the fictitious Hong Kong firm Fytit & Loos (pronounced “Fight it and Lose”). A very unsuccessful name as people read “Fytit” as “Fit it”. The International Problem Page started in 2005 and was merged into Paul Brennan’s blog. But, not before John Fytit started to receive real legal questions from various parts of the world.
For further extracts from John Fytit’s International Problem Page sign up to the free monthly Law & Disorder eZine.
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