The family lawyer is dead

Q. Our family has had the same lawyer for years but in his efforts to be even-handed he seems to be giving equal weight to the views of my daughter-in-law even when they contradict my own.

A. The day of the genial lawyer steering generations of the same family through their legal affairs has gone. We have had to specialise as family members have become more self-centred and unwilling to follow the guidance of the matriarch.

There are specialist lawyers for each member of the family. One national law firm, “Drinking Works” has gone after the trillion dollar “wastrel sons” market. The moment it got out that interviews were held in the local bar starting at lunchtime the work dried up for the rest of us.

I have had to re-organise my firm and decided to target the unappreciated husbands and fathers market which has long needed an advocate. I am considering rebranding my firm to “Wife Works” which I believe will have appeal to many husbands. I dismissed the idea of “Child at Uni Works” after several trials.

With both husband and wife separately represented, Saturday night arguments would need to be rescheduled to office hours  leading to increasingly peaceful “off the record” weekends. A wife’s alleged nagging would take the form of carefully crafted letters and result in less repetition. A detailed and accurate record of the husband’s failings would be available for later court proceedings and the wife’s friends, over coffee.

What slightly crazed and cranky uncle would not be happier with an equally irrational lawyer being irritated on his behalf? Larger law firms could stop hiding such practitioners or forcing them into practice on their own. 

With animal rights specialists, the family dog could demand rather than beg.

A Mother-in-Law Law Specialist can give you the support and empathy that you may need.

Extract from - I'll have the law on you -selected letters of John Fytit to be published later this year. 

(c) Paul Brennan 2014. All rights reserved. 

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Father of the Bride Speech

"Despite it being unusual for anyone to throw anything and the only requirement is to get through it without being embarrassing the Father of the Bride Speech is tough. If you have a daughter my advice is to start preparing now or at least before you stand up”   Paul Brennan

FATHER OF THE BRIDE SPEECH

MARRIAGE OF ALICE AND BEN CRANNEY

SYDNEY, 12 APRIL 2014

The stress, the expense, the worry, the upset, the tears…and that was only the engagement party.

WELCOME TO THE GUESTS

Welcome to you all, especially our overseas guests or blow ins as you are affectionately known. Ben’s family have so many friends and our family so few, but our friends are prepared to travel a long way. Of course, that is because they have no friends either.

Those of you who have not been to Australia before may have preconceived notions about Australians. Apart from the Queensland contingent, these are refined Australians. For instance, the booze ran out half way through the engagement party but the sherry went first.

ABOUT BEN’S WORK

Welcome to Ben’s colleagues from the NSW government. After being the butt of so many jokes over the years, a table of government employees is a welcome relief to all the lawyers in the room. When Ben first joined the NSW Government, they saw a need in him that no one had seen before - Tai Chi training. It may have been part of the NSW Government induction program. Alice says that when he got home from the first lesson it took him 5 minutes to open the fridge.

ABOUT ALICE

We have always said that we loved our four children equally. We lied. Alice is the no. 1 child. She was always there to strap on her sister’s Wiggles tail, which for many years was a daily occurrence. She introduced her own library system into the house, issuing each of us with library cards and causing us to queue by the door to have our books stamped in and out.

HOW ALICE MET BEN

Ben and Alice met in a gym. Thirty years ago, to meet a girl you had to trawl pubs, discos, and parties. Frankly, it was difficult to find a sober one. A pick up line would be - step away from the bar, ma ’me. So if you have wondered about your parents that may be the missing piece of the jigsaw.

That leads me Ben, to tell you how I met your mother-in-law. It was midnight at a New Year’s Eve Party. We kissed. I was beneath the mistletoe with another attendee when I felt someone fiddling with my trousers. I looked down, and it was Diane. As we had kissed, her woollen dress has become entangled in my fly, and as I had moved away, a woollen strand had stretched out across the room. Of course, when that sort of thing happened in those days you had to get married.

THE COURTSHIP

Dating is different. Thirty years ago, we would try to take our girlfriends somewhere nice.

Where did Ben take Alice? Up a volcano. At the top of the volcano, Alice twisted her ankle. Ben picked her up in his strong arms and carried her all the way down. After 25 years of marriage if you are up a volcano with your wife in your arms, you are up to no good.

ABOUT YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW

Ben, I am sure you have noticed by now that there is something different about your new mother-in-law…..She has a sense of humour. Every married man here will tell you that is very unusual. For example, our family went to see the movie, the Titanic. Being Hong Kong, at the end of the movie everyone surged for the exit. I heard your mother-in-law shout, “Women and children first”. It was one of the only times that an audience left the Titanic laughing their heads off.

ABOUT YOUR SON-IN-LAW

Diane, your new son-in-law thinks before he says something. Ask any mother-in-law in the room, and they will tell you that is very rare.

ADVICE ON MARRIAGE

Alice and Ben, there are many people in this room sharing your journey. Above all Ben’s grandparents, celebrating 56 years of marriage. Do you know what you get for 56 years? Titanium. A titanium hip. It is something you will always have. You are not going to leave it in the back of a taxi after a drunken night out.

Married life gains subtlety over the years. Alice, when you make a sandwich for Ben, you make it with love, and he knows that as your kitchen top looks like a branch of Subway. After 30 years of marriage, it is different. For instance, the other day your mother said to me, “Do you want this or shall I give it to the dog?” I thought, I know what you mean baby. You mean that you love me more than that there dog.

TOAST

No volcano high enough.

EXTRACT FROM SPEECH OF PAUL BRENNAN GIVEN AT THE WEDDING OF HIS ELDEST DAUGHTER 

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Criminal Shortage Prompts Prison Reform

Q. With falling crime rates and the creeping de-criminalisation of drugs, will our prisons be almost empty soon?

A. There has never been a shortage of people to persecute and incarcerate. I am sure we will think of something. For instance, many in the legal profession have always felt that children, especially teenagers, would gain from a custodial sentence. I am not suggesting long sentences (except in certain cases). Sentences would mostly take place in the school holidays so as not to interfere with school work. There would be no criminal record as the Child Custody (“CC”) System would not deal with crimes but everyday family irritations such as talking back and eating with elbows on the table. Not every infraction would result in imprisonment. For instance, what teenage son would refuse to put out the garbage if he had a suspended sentence hanging over his head? Only the consent of the parents would be required, and I expect that, in most cases, this would be enthusiastically given, especially for Holiday CC.

Once the principle had been established it could be extended to other troublesome family members such as mothers-in-law. Forcibly sending your mother-in-law to prison may be a breach of her human rights. However, human rights’ lawyers have never defended mothers-in-law in the past, and I suspect that they will not start now.

Once the criminals were cleared out of the prison system, wives could be attracted by a Hi-Security diet that really worked. Fathers may seek some solitude especially leading up to Christmas, birthdays or weddings. No more household chores, fielding requests for money, or going shopping for even short periods may be a welcome respite.

Include a “Throw Away the Key” option for spouses and we will need more prisons not less.

Extract from - I'll have the law on you -unmitigated advice on law and lawyers by John Fytit AO to be published later this year. 

(c) Paul Brennan 2005-2014. All rights reserved. 

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Advice to Mothers in law making a Will

Dear John

I have appointed my son as my Executor as he is devoted to me. However, I am concerned that he has fallen under the influence of my daughter in law who has asked me if I had any objection to a “Cardboard Coffin”.  

Is there any legal obligation on the executor not to be too cheap with the funeral arrangements?

Worried mother

Dear Worried Mother

You are right to be concerned, Edith Piaf’s mother was put out with the trash.

You could express a wish in your Will for either cremation or burial but usually that does not bind the Executor. 

Whereas, your Will makes specific directions for the disposal of your money and other assets, your body is not really property as such, and therefore it is up to your executor as to how it should be disposed of, within reason. Health departments and courts can, in certain circumstances, deter some of the more enthusiastic means of disposal favoured by daughters in law, such as “sky burial”.

However, careful wording of the Will can alleviate some of your concerns. A clause such as “I leave $5000 to a donkey sanctuary unless I am buried in a solid oak coffin” should suffice. It does not need to be oak and can be any other material, although I would caution against any precious metals e.g. gold or silver as even a clause specifying “and remains there” can be ignored.

I find that once this method is explained to clients even the most conservative life can be celebrated with professional mourners, a horse drawn hearse, or apologies read out by certain relatives at the graveside.

Finally, a court would find that as Executor this is your son’s decision alone and your daughter in law should make that quite clear to him.

J.F.

(c) Paul Brennan 2013. All rights reserved. Extract from John Fytit’s International Legal Problem Page. For more go to http://www.lawanddisorder.com.au/legaladvicepage.html

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# 81. They hate mothers-in-law

Dear John

My mother-in-law (MIL) is an interfering old harridan, you know the type.

She has just written a book entitled “My son married a prize bitch”.  Her publisher says that it will be a best seller. 

Can I sue?

VL

Dear VL

Many MILs have a tense relationship with their DILs despite having once been DILs themselves.  However, with the arrival of grandchildren MILs usually manage to contain their animosity to gain generous access and in return provide financial support together with baby-sitting services.  To sue would risk losing these benefits.

It is better to maintain a close relationship with your in-laws while at the same time implementing a Wealth Early Transfer (WET) strategy, such as:

Debt Assistance

In-laws may be prepared to guarantee your outstanding debts especially from a failed business venture.  This will enable you to increase your spending but it is usually accompanied by unwanted advice.

Joint Business Venture

It is easier to involve your in-laws in the business venture itself from the beginning.  Think big and you may be able to persuade them to sell their home and move in with you, ideally in accommodation accompanying the venture.  If the business flourishes then you will find yourself able to put up with your MIL but if it falters then you can throw a tantrum and lock them out.  Place the business on the market and if you have chosen wisely, the sale could take years.      

Looking at school fees, foreign travel and all the other expenses of having children these days it is inadvisable to fall out with, let alone sue your in-laws. 

Looking on the bright side, the royalties of her new book could be yours, one day. 

(c) Paul Brennan 2010.  Extract from John Fytit’s International Legal Problem Page. Now written on this blog

John Fytit is the name of the central cartoon charter in Law & Disorder cartoons which started in Hong Kong in 1992. He is from the fictitious Hong Kong firm Fytit & Loos (pronounced “Fight it and Lose”). A very unsuccessful name as people read “Fytit” as “Fit it”. The International Problem Page started in 2005 and was merged into Paul Brennan’s blog. But, not before John Fytit started to receive real legal questions from various parts of the world.

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