I was there

 

I gave a speech at the Hong Kong Rugby Union Annual Dinner.  It was a black-tie affair.

As I started, I could see that of the six hundred strong audience, some were milling around at the back, but in the middle behind a long table spanning horizontally across the hall was what I could only describe as a phalanx of rugby players. Jackets off, sitting facing me in shirt sleeves, arms folded, wearing their napkins on their foreheads and tucked behind their ears in the style of Egyptian pharaohs.
 
My opening lines failed to raise a laugh, as did anything else I had to say.  After several minutes, dinner rolls started to wing their way over the napkinned heads of the phalanx and thud against the canvas backdrop behind me. Thankfully the barrage was from a section of the audience who were either very kind or couldn’t throw straight. Unscathed, I pressed on. 

Later in the speech, a member of the audience bearing a sort of manic grin marched military-style up to the stage with the apparent intention of helping me off. He had been drinking.  He paused, looked around, then turned and walked back to his seat. He may have taken pity upon me.  Another explanation is that I was once a judo instructor and this was mentioned by the person who introduced me. I continued without him.

When something like this happens, it is best to put it behind you. The following Monday, the speech was reported in the South China Morning Post.

A couple of months later, I gave a speech at the Lighthouse Club. It was another black-tie dinner. Then I attended the next Lighthouse Club Dinner to hear celebrated barrister Kevin Egan speak.  He was facing criminal charges of assisting disgraced government lawyer Warwick Reid to flee to the Philippines while on bail by giving him a passport and a gun. I had visited Warrick Reid, who was being held in ICAC custody.

During the introduction of Kevin Egan, the introducer thanked me for my funny (sic) speech, which had been well received, or at least no one had thrown anything.  I went up to the microphone and said, “if you knew this audience, you would have kept that gun”. I still regret saying this. I had been drinking. Fortunately, Kevin Egan took it in good heart and was later acquitted.

Years later, I joined other speakers at the National Speakers of Australia Conference to present on challenging speaking experiences. My story prompted one of the other speakers, Rodney Marks to tell of a similar occurrence. Out of a hostile audience, a drunk had mounted the stage, as they grappled and fell to the floor, he continued with his speech. The audience thought it was part of his act.

 

© Paul Brennan 2021. All rights Reserved.

Father of the Bride Speech

"Despite it being unusual for anyone to throw anything and the only requirement is to get through it without being embarrassing the Father of the Bride Speech is tough. If you have a daughter my advice is to start preparing now or at least before you stand up”   Paul Brennan

FATHER OF THE BRIDE SPEECH

MARRIAGE OF ALICE AND BEN CRANNEY

SYDNEY, 12 APRIL 2014

The stress, the expense, the worry, the upset, the tears…and that was only the engagement party.

WELCOME TO THE GUESTS

Welcome to you all, especially our overseas guests or blow ins as you are affectionately known. Ben’s family have so many friends and our family so few, but our friends are prepared to travel a long way. Of course, that is because they have no friends either.

Those of you who have not been to Australia before may have preconceived notions about Australians. Apart from the Queensland contingent, these are refined Australians. For instance, the booze ran out half way through the engagement party but the sherry went first.

ABOUT BEN’S WORK

Welcome to Ben’s colleagues from the NSW government. After being the butt of so many jokes over the years, a table of government employees is a welcome relief to all the lawyers in the room. When Ben first joined the NSW Government, they saw a need in him that no one had seen before - Tai Chi training. It may have been part of the NSW Government induction program. Alice says that when he got home from the first lesson it took him 5 minutes to open the fridge.

ABOUT ALICE

We have always said that we loved our four children equally. We lied. Alice is the no. 1 child. She was always there to strap on her sister’s Wiggles tail, which for many years was a daily occurrence. She introduced her own library system into the house, issuing each of us with library cards and causing us to queue by the door to have our books stamped in and out.

HOW ALICE MET BEN

Ben and Alice met in a gym. Thirty years ago, to meet a girl you had to trawl pubs, discos, and parties. Frankly, it was difficult to find a sober one. A pick up line would be - step away from the bar, ma ’me. So if you have wondered about your parents that may be the missing piece of the jigsaw.

That leads me Ben, to tell you how I met your mother-in-law. It was midnight at a New Year’s Eve Party. We kissed. I was beneath the mistletoe with another attendee when I felt someone fiddling with my trousers. I looked down, and it was Diane. As we had kissed, her woollen dress has become entangled in my fly, and as I had moved away, a woollen strand had stretched out across the room. Of course, when that sort of thing happened in those days you had to get married.

THE COURTSHIP

Dating is different. Thirty years ago, we would try to take our girlfriends somewhere nice.

Where did Ben take Alice? Up a volcano. At the top of the volcano, Alice twisted her ankle. Ben picked her up in his strong arms and carried her all the way down. After 25 years of marriage if you are up a volcano with your wife in your arms, you are up to no good.

ABOUT YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW

Ben, I am sure you have noticed by now that there is something different about your new mother-in-law…..She has a sense of humour. Every married man here will tell you that is very unusual. For example, our family went to see the movie, the Titanic. Being Hong Kong, at the end of the movie everyone surged for the exit. I heard your mother-in-law shout, “Women and children first”. It was one of the only times that an audience left the Titanic laughing their heads off.

ABOUT YOUR SON-IN-LAW

Diane, your new son-in-law thinks before he says something. Ask any mother-in-law in the room, and they will tell you that is very rare.

ADVICE ON MARRIAGE

Alice and Ben, there are many people in this room sharing your journey. Above all Ben’s grandparents, celebrating 56 years of marriage. Do you know what you get for 56 years? Titanium. A titanium hip. It is something you will always have. You are not going to leave it in the back of a taxi after a drunken night out.

Married life gains subtlety over the years. Alice, when you make a sandwich for Ben, you make it with love, and he knows that as your kitchen top looks like a branch of Subway. After 30 years of marriage, it is different. For instance, the other day your mother said to me, “Do you want this or shall I give it to the dog?” I thought, I know what you mean baby. You mean that you love me more than that there dog.

TOAST

No volcano high enough.

EXTRACT FROM SPEECH OF PAUL BRENNAN GIVEN AT THE WEDDING OF HIS ELDEST DAUGHTER 

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